Everyone is different. All of us. Our individual uniqueness is a wonderful thing. So why do we want others to do things our way and then get disappointed when they don't? It's ridiculous when you think about it. And I believe it is a control issue. And maybe a bit of arrogance that our way is the best not only for us but for everyone else as well.
Expecting certain behaviors and ways of carrying out tasks is going to lead us to disappointment which can present in behavior on our part that can change a relationship. I see this happen with empty nest mothers who expect their adult kids to text or call them every day or always respond or get upset if the kids forget to send a card on Mother's Day or birthdays. (STOP- that's my 5 minutes but I'm going on, of course...)
These moms go CRAZY and assume their kids are ungrateful or hate their parents. I've not heard a single one say their adult kids didn't think about it but contacted them later or must have been super busy or whatever. These moms go straight to the worse case scenario and assume the worst. Here's the thing, when you expect someone to do something chances are they are not going to do it. Nor should they. My mother loves greeting cards. She loves to send them and she loves to receive them. I find greeting cards a pain to look for and way too costly when you do find the perfect one. I rarely, if ever send a card and Mother does not understand this and gets disappointed. I'm not a card giver. I don't even think about going out and buying cards until Christmas rolls around. And let me say here that using our expectations to try and control what other people do IS NOT GOING TO WORK. It's that mom guilt that I try never to use and it's almost always based on expectations gone wrong. Which is something expectations will do a lot of the time.
It is not fair to put personal expectations on others regardless of the relationship. If you are a person who goes out of their way to please others (a people pleaser) do not assume the other person is or should be the same way. It doesn't work that way, y'all.
Most of the empty nest moms I come into contact with who are having a difficult time are doing so because their expectations are not being met. They have put the responsibility of their happiness and feelings of worth on their adult children and the adult kids are responding with a bit of rebellion. Frankly, I don't blame them. Sometimes, stepping back and giving people space will lead to surprising results. Besides, do they really want attention because they've demanded it? I would much rather have my girls around and have communication with them because they want to not because I demand it or expect it. And guess what? That's exactly what I have. The girls are not pressured into a grown up relationship with me. We simply have one. I suppose I do have expectations of them, though. I expect them to be the best people they can be. I don't expect them to feel responsible for my happiness and I do not understand people who do have this expectation.
No one likes to do something because someone expects them to do it. We like to do things for people because we want to do it and we don't really feel like doing something when there is pressure to carry it out. Doing things for others really should come from the heart, not from expectations.
Bottom line, putting expectations on others is unfair. Especially when you assume they will do what you want when you haven't bothered to communicate your wishes to them. Even if you have told them exactly what you want/like do not follow that with the expectation that they will do it. We are all individuals and do things our own way. You do it your way, they do it their way and neither is wrong unless an expectation rears its ugly head.
I have found not having expectations to be liberating.
This post is linked to Five Minute Friday where we write for five minutes about the prompt without stopping.
The prompt this week is EXPECT.
