Discipline

As in, SELF-discipline.

Apparently, I don't have much.

I've heard that self-discipline is not something we're born with. It's something we learn. You know, from practice. I practice self-discipline about as much as I practiced the piano when I was a kid--about once in a blue moon.

I don't play piano.

And I'm not self-disciplined. In most areas.

When it comes to something like raising children, I possess self-discipline. Putting myself aside to raise the lovelies was easy. And well worth it!

When it comes to general household chores, I possess self-discipline. Mostly because I can't stand filth and, if I don't clean around here, it doesn't get done.

When it comes to going to work, I possess self-discipline. If I didn't, no check.

But those are situations in which most of us HAVE to practice self-discipline. And, for me, the HAVE to makes the self-discipline easy-ish. When I am undisciplined in these areas, I am sending messages that I never want to be associated with--

• I am not respectful of your time
• I am not respectful of others
• I waste time and money
• I am lazy
• I am not productive
• I am negative
• I don't care about goals
• I am reckless

And it goes on.

Did you know that, without discipline, we can become slothful? Unfortunately, I have some habits that do seem rather slothy--except when it comes to making up new words. Ha!

In my everyday, personal life, the slothfulness really shows up. And these are the areas that I'm really going to have to work on diligently.

It's a matter, for me, of getting myself on the same, self-disciplined, schedule that I have myself on the my 'have to' activities.

It's going to include fitness, weight loss, household projects, the garden (thaaaat's right, even the garden will have to go on the schedule or I will neglect it), my book project....how that list seems to grow and grow. Which is probably one reason why I lack discipline in these areas. They become overwhelming and that leads to neglect.

It's past time to put some value on these things and start changing my evil ways, so to speak.

I'm sure that developing self-discipline will be positive as it does tend to---

• builds character
• make for a more orderly life
• make for a less stressful life
• result in positivity and productivity
• positively impact others

 Will it be easy? Hell to the N.O.

But I need to do this. And I'm going to.

Just as soon as school is out. :)


How's your self-discipline?

Time and Bad Habits

After the first three and a half years in this empty nest, I noticed that I developed certain habits during this adjustment period.

1. The art of PROCRASTINATION. Yep, I’ve very nearly perfected this one. When the lovelies were here at home, I had to get things done because there was very little time to waste and everyone needed something right now. But, once the nest emptied out, there was no one here with a schedule to keep so I just put things off. All the time. If I don’t want to do it, I don’t.  And yes, I’m aware that this could be categorized under ‘lazy.’
2. I’ve become METHODICAL. Not the part of methodical that means orderly. Nope. The part that means painstakingly slow. Because there’s no need to be in a hurry anymore. When the lovelies were here, I worked around in speeds that would make Superman’s ability to go faster than that speeding bullet seem a snail’s pace. When the nest emptied, this was no longer necessary. So I slowed way down—to the point that a snail’s pace was faster than I. It got to the point that I got something done when the spirit moved me. And by moved, I mean SHOVED. And, yes, I realize that this is another of my empty nest habits that could be categorized under ‘lazy.’
3. I’ve gotten into the habit of SINGING LOUDLY while working out or working around the house. That’s not really a bad thing. But it can be an embarrassing thing. Like when you forget that someone else is in the house and you’re dancing around singing loudly and you notice that the other person has fallen to floor and is laughing his ass off. Why? Because I sing badly. And people around here think that’s really funny.
4. It’s become a habit for me to ARGUE. Yes, yes. Very funny. I was argumentative before the nest emptied out. But now, I argue with the television. And that is my sole purpose for turning the dang set on. Unless there’s a football game on. But I’m argumentative with the games too so…
5. I got into the habit of HOME REPAIR AND REDECORATING. But not by choice. It’s just one project led to another. And another. And another…
6. DAYDREAMING. Yep. Living in this empty nest of mine has caused me to develop the habit of daydreaming. I have become quite adept at zoning out for hours at a time.

What do these new habits say about me? They say that having an empty nest taught me how to waste time. But it has also shown me how to appreciate time. And take the time. Enjoy time and recall time. 

It’s how to stop time that still eludes me.

How do you manage your time? 

Redefining the Nest

Do you ever dare yourself to do things? 

I suppose the first thing I had to dare myself to do when the nest became empty was to figure out who exactly I was now that the lovelies were all grown up. It may sound a little crazy, but I really did have to define myself in this new role. Maybe redefine is a better way to say it.

The kids still need us from time to time when they leave the nest. Especially if they leave to go to college. I mean, who else is going to fill out FAFSA and send them incidental and askidental money (remember The Cosby Show episode when Cliff explains to Theo that askidental money is the money they ask for when they misspend the incidental money?) when they need it?  And they also still have situations that they still bring to us to help sort out- with roommates, boyfriends, crazy professors... 

But, for the most part, an empty nest meant I had a lot of time on my hands. I was still a mother but not the volunteering, chauffeuring, managing, doctoring, nurturing, encouraging, making priceless memories, laughing until it hurt, praying, creating family traditions, etc. type mom anymore. Those days were over. And, for me, they’ve been over for the last three years. 

Filling the time proved to be a ginormous feat at first. I tried a lot of things:

• organizing over 25 years of pictures and scrapbooking them 
• organizing and purging the attic 
•  got a puppy
• started gardening 
• started blogging
• redecorated rooms

Yep. The first three years were, for the most part, spent trying to find out how to fill all those empty hours. I finally realized that I didn’t have to fill every single waking second to the brim. I could now read a book or watch a movie all the way through. I could go to lunch with friends. I could shop without having to stop in the middle to meet a child’s next scheduled activity. I could focus some time on myself and get ME back into shape. I could get to know myself again- as ME instead of MOM. Which is no easy feat when you've been MOM for 27 years. 

Of course, with all the free time my mind was free to wander and there were the bazillion thoughts that ran through my mind nearly every waking moment such as:

•  Did I do all I could have?
• Did I do all I should have?
• Did I yell too much when I was frustrated or tired? 
• Did I tell them everything they needed to know?
• Did I set a good enough example?
• Can I have a redo? I promise I’ll do it better.

Yep, the first thoughts running through my mind were centered on the inadequacies of my mothering skills. I just knew that I had messed up and what was I going to do now because it was simply too late. Funny how our minds do this. 

But we have to realize that we can’t live like this. We do the very best we can. Human beings are not perfect, we just try as best we can. Those who live with us come to know every aspect of our being- the good and the bad- and they love us still. There’s just no sense in dwelling/fretting over those things we cannot change. 

The empty nest years are redefining, emotional, self-discovery years. It’s an adjustment. And periods of adjustment take time. It’s all part of the journey. And the journey itself can be the brass ring if we let it. It doesn’t have to be an insurmountable obstacle that keeps us from living our lives. Just look at it as a new era- different, not despairing. 

And yes, you might find yourself turning on the television just for the noise- you might even find yourself talking to it (or, if you're like me, arguing with it). But you might also find yourself outside enjoying nature or working on your fitness level or having lunch with your BFF whom you haven't really seen in YEARS because you've both been so busy with the joy of raising children. Now, you get to enjoy the pleasure of the YOU years.

 

As with any new phase of our lives, the empty nest era will be what we choose them to be. I decided to embrace mine as different and quite doable instead of despairing and debilitating. (I do realize that there are those of us out there who just can't seem to quite get on with the personal redefining and, for those blessed souls, I say: asking for help is always a good idea!). 

What will you choose for your empty nest years?  

I ate WHAT?!

When I first started this whole losing weight journey in May of 2009, it was about wanting to look good again. Maybe even an attempt at regaining my youth that was fast disappearing. Oh, I went about it the right way. I changed my daily diet from unhealthy to healthy and added exercise but my motivation was wrong.

And, without the proper motivation, the effort was successful at first. But a huge failure once all was said and done.

It took me nearly one complete year to put all that weight back on. Nearly one full year. Of eating all the wrong (but delicious) foods. ONE. YEAR. You have got to be kidding me.

Somewhere around March of this year, I decided that I simply did not want to be overweight anymore. I didn't want to be unhealthy. I was screaming (inside) that this had to stop! And it did need to stop. The amounts of sugar I was ingesting was probably what 100 people should take in ANNUALLY.

And I'm pretty sure that if that is an exaggeration, it's not much of one.

So I stopped. I decided to go back to healthy. And I thought I'd kickstart the whole thing with my own diet. I called it AssOff and it was, basically, a combination of Suzanne Somers plan and the Atkins plan. Guess what? Fail. Again.

Ok, maybe not a complete fail. But what I did wrong was substitute the sugar (I would buy one of those lovely Carrot Cakes from the grocery store and eat the whole thing by the next day) habit for every food under the sun that didn't have sugar in it. Stupid.

Then my friend Julie, at Healthy, Wealth, and Wise...NOT but learning, mentioned a weight loss challenge-Slimmer this Summer. I thought about it long and hard and thought maybe I shouldn't because I was scared of letting the group down. Debbi (at Debbi Does Dieting), one of the hosts for the challenge (and please check out her recipe blog- nearly all are healthy, low calorie and delicious) said that was the very attitude that would make the challenge work for me. So I signed up. I committed.

And I lost 44 pounds! Woot!

But, I have come to realize that it's more than the weight loss now. It's more than the desire to look better or regain some youth.


Now it's about health. It's about wanting to do more. Be more. Laugh more. Enjoy life more. And live longer. It's also become about the quality of the food itself.

And today, I realized that not only has my outlook changed but I, myself, have changed also. And it's all for the better.

Hubs and I took Mother home today. She's well enough to be at her house and her sister (Aunt Betty) is going to stay with her just for a few days. We had to get something for breakfast from a fast food place so I looked at CalorieKing (there's an app for that) for something with acceptable calories.

When Hubs brought the 'food' back from Bojangles and I held my biscuit in my hand all I felt was grease. THROUGH THE WRAPPER. Are you kidding me?!

I carefully unwrapped the biscuit. I picked off a little piece. I gingerly placed the tiny bite in my mouth. I tasted grease and white flour. I may have thrown up in my mouth a little. D.I.S.G.U.S.T.I.N.G. How in the world had I ever in all my life evereverever eaten anything like this?! I must have been out of my mind.

All that white flour, processed sugar, animal fat, etc. is in the past. And so are any and all cravings for it.

I'm on a new path now. A path to a longer, healthier, more enjoyable life.

And I might be enjoying the fact that my behind is no longer big enough to serve as a table for a tea party.

Tone of Voice Getting You Down?

One of the exercises for self-exploration was to write about the way we talk to ourselves when we are upset vs the way we talk to our friends when they are upset.  I discovered a bit of a difference.

When my BFF calls upset, it's always over the same issue.  This is a woman who gives 110% every single day of her life with no expectation of return.  Ever.  She loves unconditionally.  But there are people in her life who, well....let's just say that there are people in her life who take her for granted and have no appreciation for her giving nature.  Oh, they take just fine.  But they are not grateful.

We all have someone in our lives like this--or at least most of us do.  And, if we don't, we probably know someone who does.

What is upsetting for my BFF is not that she gets no appreciation it's that she gets negativity to the point of it being hurtful.  She is the first one they come to with needs but, once the needs are filled, they shut her out and use hurtful, hateful words to do so.

When these occasions arise, I am as positive as I can possibly be.  I remind her of all the good she does and of all the people who do love her and treat her with respect.  I talk about how generous her spirit is and that she simply has the misfortune to be surrounded by ingrates.  If I make suggestions, I do so gently but firmly and I am honest with her.  I remind her that she would still give someone the shirt off her back even as they stood right there and threw insults in her face because she does not want anyone to go without.  I tell her that I am sorry she is treated badly but that I am grateful that she is who she is. 

The question now becomes:  Do I do the same thing for myself when I am upset?  Um....No.  Not exactly.  I am way harder on myself than I am on others.  Though I have gotten much better over the years.  I think it had to do with the fact that if my girls were going to have positive self images, then I was going to have to have a positive self image myself.

For example, where I might once have told myself, "You're really stupid to think that."  I will now say something like, "That was not a smart thing to do" or "Come on now, you know better than that."

Oh course, I am struggling now with getting upset over the weight thing.  I try not to give it much thought because I am so good at sabotaging myself.  I figure that if I just eat healthy, I'll lose.  And I have lost some.  But it's SUCH A DARN SLOW PROCESS that I do get frustrated with myself.

I know the process well because, from May 25, 2009 through December 2009, I lost 83 pounds.  And then I let a homemade oatmeal raisin cookie (my dad can bake the hell out of some cookies!) get the best of me and followed that one by another dozen or so and the sugar was back in full appeal.  It took me over a year to put this weight back on.  At first I didn't think I had put that much back on but I had (pretty sure that's called denial).  And so, here I go again.  (Sorry, tangent there...)

Anyway, the point is that, when I get frustrated, I am not very nice to myself.  And when this happens you would think that it would cause me to avoid eating---especially eating the foods I should not.  But no.  It actually triggers my desire to eat.  And this becomes a battle that this time, so far, I have won.  But the battles are many.

The last exercise was to think of what my BFF would say to me while I was upset and try to internalize the kind tone in order to say those things to myself instead of ---well, instead of the things I do say when I'm frustrated about the weight.

My BFF would say, "Come on, let's go do something to take your mind off things" or "You can do this.  Don't let your thoughts control you; YOU control your thoughts."

And that sounds a whole lot better than something like "Look at you.  You're just a fatty." 

Today is a brand new day of a brand new week.  I'm going to look my weight frustrations in the eye and dare them to bother me!

Do you talk to yourself with the kindness of your BFF? 
 

Guest Post and Giveaway!

It's guest post and giveaway time!

Today, Mari McCarthy has written a guest post for us!  If you have not visited Mari's website yet, CREATE WRITE NOW, to check out all the wonderful journaling ideas she offers, you can still do it.  You can also access her blog from there. 

This is Mari.  (The picture came from her website).

Five Journals You'll Relish Reading    

By Mari L. McCarthy

Amongst the many genres of writing, it may be reasonable to suggest that it is more fun to read a journal than any other kind of literature. Why? A journal is real, personal, and immediate. It's an explosive combination.

Stories that are real, of course, command our respect automatically. The closer to intimacy the story comes, the better for the reader. And a journal's present-moment orientation can't be beat for suspense.

Most journals are not read by anyone except their authors, we presume. But a few have been published and some have even become classics.

So what are some great examples of journaling? Here are my current suggestions.

1. Number One on your reading list should always be your own journal. I think journalers forget this aspect of the practice. It's vitally important to reflect on your writings by re-reading them and letting them inform your future entries.

2. Freedom Writers. In this true story, a recent college graduate takes on teaching English to at-risk high school students. Other educators wrote off her students as "unteachable," but Erin Gruwell knew better. She used journaling processes to involve her students not only in English literature but also in recounting their own experiences, especially the hardships and challenges they faced as inner city youth. They read The Diary of Anne Frank, and wrote about their own lives in a war zone, with drugs and violence as daily threats. The students of Room 203 named themselves the Freedom Writers, and published a book entitled The Freedom Writers Diary.

3. Bridget Jones' Diary. Based on a popular novel by Helen Fielding, this film chronicles a year in the life of a woman in her early thirties. Single, self-conscious, and seeking success both in her career and in her love life, Bridget begins her journal on New Year's Day, as a way of making a fresh start in her life. Following the journal, the movie reveals to us the many entertaining fiascos as well as important personal progress its heroine experiences as the year wears on.

4.  The Motorcycle Diaries. When he was 23 years old, Ernesto Guevara (later known as the Marxist revolutionary, Ché Guevara) kept a journal as he traveled across South America. The journal, which tells of his encounters with poverty and injustice as he crossed the continent, was published after his death and then made into this film.

5.  Eat, Pray, Love. Julia Roberts stars in this recent release based on novelist Elizabeth Gilbert's popular memoir. Still reeling from a painful divorce, Elizabeth goes on a trip of self-discovery to Italy, India, and Indonesia, writing copiously in her journal in each place. She battles her demons of depression, loneliness, and doubt to find her own path to happiness and love. Here's an excerpt, testifying to journaling's amazing transformative properties:  “I fell asleep holding my notebook pressed against my chest, open to this most recent assurance. In the morning when I wake up, I can still smell a faint trace of depression’s lingering smoke, but he himself is nowhere to be seen. Somewhere during the night, he got up and left. And his buddy loneliness beat it, too.”

What published journals have inspired you?

#

By Mari L. McCarthy - The Journaling Therapy Specialist, founder of Journaling for the Health of It™.  Please visit Mari's blog at http://www.createwritenow.com/journal-writing-blog/. In 27 Days of Journaling to Health and Happiness (http://www.createwritenow.com/peace-of-mind-and-body---27-days-of-journaling-to-health--happiness/), Mari walks you through an easy process for accessing your natural inner strengths. Mari's latest publication is titled, Who Are You? How to Use Journaling Therapy to Know and Grow Your Life. See http://www.createwritenow.com/journaling-therapy-ebook/ for details.

AND NOW, IT'S GIVEAWAY TIME!


Yesterday was my first day in Mari's book Peace of Mind & Body 27 Days of Journaling to Health and Happiness.  Day 1 was about awareness and the assignment was to turn to a fresh page in your journal (this is a good way to start journaling if you don't already) and write at the top of the page:  "I am aware that..." then write your response until you feel that you have written all that you can/need to/etc.  This is the book that I am going to be giving away to a lucky winner!  You will have your choice between an ebook or a print copy!

All you have to do is leave a comment stating that you would like to enter the giveaway.  It's that simple.  I'll keep this going until Friday, midnight and announce the winner on Saturday!

MAKE SURE YOU LEAVE YOUR EMAIL ADDRESSES SO I CAN CONTACT THE WINNER! 


Meanwhile, I'll be using my copy of the book for some self-discovery of my own and will share some of it with you along the way!

A Dose of Self-Awareness!

Tomorrow, Mari McCarthy will guest post here and the giveaway for one of her books will begin!  Please visit Mari's website, CREATE WRITE NOW, and check out all the wonderful journaling ideas she offers.  You can also access her blog from there.

This is Mari.  (The picture came from her website).

Today is my first day in Mari's book Peace of Mind & Body 27 Days of Journaling to Health and Happiness.  Day 1 is about awareness and the assignment is to turn to a fresh page in your journal (this is a good way to start journaling if you don't already) and write at the top of the page:  "I am aware that..." then write your response until you feel that you have written all that you can/need to/etc.  OH, and this is the book that I am going to be giving away to a lucky winner!  You will have your choice between an ebook or a print copy!

This is a picture of the book I am working in right now and will be giving away!  (this picture is also from Mari's website)

Self-awareness can not only help us recognize exactly who we are, but it can also be a good way to clear out the negative things that hold us back!

I am going to share with y'all TEN things from Day 1:

I am aware that...

1.  I have selfish tendencies.  Maybe they stem from being an only child for many years or maybe it's just who I am but I can be SELFISH.  I want to watch what I want to watch on television; I want to go where I want to go and do what I want to do; I want things done the way I want them done; etc.  And, most of the time, I do not care to discuss it, I just want it done.  A 'My way or the highway' kind of gal.  I can honestly say that I have come a long way in my attempts at overcoming this selfish nature of mine but, I am not there yet.

2.  I am overweight and that the reason I haven't lost the excess may be due to the fact that I am too lazy or that food is one of the things I use to provide me with happiness.

3.  I am somewhat lazy.  Or a procrastinator.  Or both.  I will do what has to be done, but if I can put something off, it gets put off.  If hard work is involved I may or may not participate.  That is laziness.  Or still being tired from raising four daughters.  Regardless, I know that this is an area that needs improvement.    

4.  Food is one of the things I use to comfort myself and make me happy when people do not.  I am aware that I do this but I am also aware that I am the one responsible for my happiness, not others.  And I'm working on this one too.

5.  I still miss my grandparents.  And they've been gone a really long time.  But they were so awesome and completely understood and showed unconditional love.

6.  I harbor some resentments...and let's just leave that one right there.

7.  I am short tempered.  I will say that this has improved TREMENDOUSLY over the years!  There is still plenty of room for improvement here, but it's so much better than it has ever been.

8.  I hate to judge others but I find myself doing it sometimes anyway.  And I hate that, sometimes, I preface it with something STUPID like, "This isn't judgment but...."  or "I know this is a judgmental statement but..."  I really hate this one more than any of the others.  AND I hate being judged so you would think that I wouldn't do it to others.  I guess I just made myself aware that I am a hypocrite.  DARN this self-awareness crap.

9.  I am on the defensive a lot.  It seems almost constant.  I am unaware of why.

10.  I am overly critical of myself.  I put expectations on myself that no one could reach and then berate myself for failing. 

And there you have it--ten things I'm aware of about myself from a list that covered 3.5 pages of my journal.  

Therapy anyone?   

Writer's Block Anyone?

I have just completed Mari McCarthy's free workbook We Are All Writers: How To Use Your JOURNAL To Cure Writer's Block Now and I really enjoyed it.  One really nice feature is that Mari is offering this workbook FREE on her website.  Another nice feature is that it only takes about 75 minutes from beginning to end.  Mari recommends you go through all the steps in one session.  I split my time up because it's impossible to have 75 straight minutes of peace when Hubs is home and with Tucker having to go out and chase squirrels every 15 minutes or so but I really got a lot out of the exercises.

I learned that I have quite a bit of 'stuff' cluttering my mind such as how stupid it was to promise to sub in my friend's class the week before Birdie's graduation when I should be here preparing; the graduation itself; the possibility of Birdie going to Texas for two years to obtain her master's degree; some really annoying people who are bothering me (like the neighbors); some haunting memories; etc.

In Step 2, I learned that I write to leave something behind.  When my MIL passed away in June and we read her journals, each of us got such a pleasant feeling when we saw our names written in her journals.  I learned that I also write to stir up memories, because I tend to forget.  I learned that I journal to practice writing, to vent, to discover, to keep a record, to heal some hurts, to become aware.

In Step 3, I learned the worse things that I think could happen when I journal and the best.  Both lists were long.  The worst included fear of judgement and that I might discover my true self and not like her very much.  The best included solving some personal issues and facing some fears (maybe those two are related?).

Step 4 was really the easiest of all.  I sat and looked around for 5 minutes and wrote down anything I saw that gave me a positive feeling.  The list could be general or specific.  From that list, I circled three topics and from those three I chose one to write about for ten minutes without stopping.  THAT will be tomorrow's post!

If you'd like, you can visit Mari's website and take a look around.   Just click on the Blog tab to read her blog!

She will be sharing a guest post here on May 10th.  And I will be hosting a giveaway of one of her books!