Hogwash

I was reading the other day and I came across a comment that it is difficult not to let a sense of entitlement creep into family life these days. My immediate reaction was- HOGWASH.

After longer thought, my reaction remained the same. That's just a load of crap.

It might creep into the lives of the lazy family. It might creep into the lives of the family with parents too busy to pay attention. It might creep into the lives of the family with overindulgent parents. But it's not difficult to keep it out of the family.

I have to wonder if it's just a matter of people not thinking or not worrying about what happens when their kids grow up. Maybe they don't want to deal with whiny, misbehaving kids so they give in to whatever the kids want just to keep the peace. Maybe these parents just don't know any better and think they are doing the right thing.

Regardless, it's not difficult to keep that sense of entitlement out of our homes. We just have to set our standards and stick to them. If we don't want kids with a sense of entitlement, then we don't do everything for them while they sit back and relax. No one else in this wide world is going to do everything for them. When they get out into this world, they will be expected to be able to make a contribution. The world is not here to serve these children. They need to be ready to get out there and take advantage of all the wonderful things the world has to offer. If they go out expecting that they will be granted their every wish, they are going to be disappointed in a HUGE way. And disliked. And not respected. And shunned.

To put it simply- no matter how much we would like to think our kids are the perfect/donowrong types, they aren't. None of us are. That type does not exist.

  

When did we stop leaving the responsibility for bad behavior with anyone and everyone BUT the parents/teachers and other authorities with whom our children interact? Sweet little darlings. How could something so cute and sweet ever be responsible for reprehensible actions?

Instead of pointing fingers, it's time to start leaving the responsibility with the individual. Whether it's an adult or a cute little kid, we are, each and every one of us, responsible for our own individual choices. And I believe it's better that our children learn that from the people who love them most rather than as a slap in the face with a 2x4 from someone who isn't going to take that kind of crap from anyone out in the real world.

Ah, parents This is not difficult. This is necessary. This is YOUR responsibility. YOU are the teachers of your children. Your choice is this: Teach your child life skills or, don't, and wait for someone else to do it in the school of hard knocks.

What do y'all think?

New Research My Foot

Don't you just love how new moms love to quote what 'new research' shows? Yeah, neither do I. As a matter of fact, if they'd stop reading all the 'new research' and pay attention to their little ones, they'd realize that very little of this research is new at all. It's what observant moms have always known. And they've known it because they were students of their children.

New research shows, for example---

• Moms are the most tired people in a family 
• Separation from mother stresses babies
• There are clues in babies' crying
• Babies understand more than parents think they do
• Honey can provide comfort from coughing in children
• New labor positions to try

The list goes on. And on.

My question is this: Are you kidding me? THIS is NEW research? I don't think so. 

I'm not saying that there isn't any research out there that isn't helpful. Certainly, there is. I, for one, am a fan of the research showing the relationship between health problems/syndromes/disorders and nutrition. But it's not NEW research. I am a fan of the holistic/natural/organic movement in health and nutrition. But it's not NEW research either. 

I guess it's good if there are really that many young mothers out there who are totally clueless. But, I just don't think that there are. I'm pretty sure that a lot of them know how to pay attention and learn to read the signs. Or maybe the 'experts' conducting these 'studies' are smarter than all of us put together and have discovered how to get rich off our stupidity.

I read one article relating the number of fast food commercials children between the ages of 2 and 5 see on television and childhood obesity. Really? THAT'S their concern? I have to wonder why we're not asking, "What the hell is your little kid doing in front of the television?!"

They are asking companies to stop targeting preschoolers. I'm asking the parents to stop putting their kids in front of the television.

I admit that I am a bit disturbed that parents need to be told such things as children need ample sleep. Seriously. Who doesn't know this?

Touch your infants more. Touch your infants less. Breastfeed your baby. Don't breastfeed your baby. Use cloth diapers. Use Pampers. Use plastic bottles. Use glass bottles. Drink wine. Don't drink wine. Caffeine is ok. Caffeine is not ok.

There are always going to be at least two sides to everything. It's a wonder new parents' heads aren't in a constant whirlpool. It's even a greater wonder that they continue to read and write about all these studies.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. And again. And again.

Pay attention to your children. From birth. AND LEARN.

Independence

Warning---this might have come off rather judgmental....and it's definitely opinionated. LOL

I read about a mom making her almost one year old stay in his room for playtime. By himself. She mentioned that he howled for over 20 minutes not wanting to do it. Not wanting to stay in his room alone and be forced to play by himself. At 11 months old.

Really?

Do parents do that? For real? I never did and I've never heard of it, so I'm curious. When the lovelies were little, I played with them and taught them and tended to their needs. It was fun. Time with little bits is precious and enjoyable. It's a time of learning for the little one AND for the adult.

As they got older, the lovelies did begin to appreciate independent play. And I believe that they did it when they were ready developmentally. When they had developed a strong sense of security and well-being that led to the self-confidence they needed to venture out in their own time and not need mom around every second of the day.

I believe that, had I forced this (among other things) before they were developmentally ready, we could very well have had some issues.

I also believed that sending them to a mother's morning out program (3 hours/day, 3 days/week) and preschool (3 hours/day, 5 days/week) would teach them how to interact with other kids. They would learn social skills needed to be successful in school. By the time the lovelies entered kindergarten, their social skills were in place and they were ready to learn academically. The pressure was off. Their transition to 'real' school was a cinch.

What I don't understand are the SAHMs who take their little ones to daycare from 8:00 am til 5:00 pm every single day of the week. Aren't they SAHMs for the same reason I was? So that they can raise their own kids and not rely on someone else to do it for them? I heard of one mom who couldn't go to her 2 year old son's Halloween program at daycare because she was going to be busy decorating for a Halloween party at their home. What's up with that?

I believe that children come with an internal, developmental clock that guides them. When certain developmental phases are reached, new activities/behaviors/etc. emerge. Forcing them to do something before they reach each developmental phase could have negative results. Seriously, if a parent feels the need to force a very young child to have independent play time, I have to wonder why? Cause if he/she just wants some quiet time or a cup of coffee, my advice is to GET UP EARLIER.

Celebrities

Are you kidding me? Do people really care THAT much about how celebrities do everyday life things? I've noticed a lot of stories and comments out in the cyber world like--

• Baby names celebrities choose
• How celebrities handle picky eaters
• Where celebrities shop
• Celebrities who choose not to circumcise
• Celebrities who had their first baby after the age of 40

I'm waiting to see titles like these:

• How celebrities get their 2 year old to stop picking her nose
• How celebrities teach their babies to poop in the potty before the age of 6 months
• Ways celebrities conceive babies

Good grief. I can't imagine being so consumed with celebrities that I care how they do anything. Especially when it comes to parenting. I don't think being a celebrity makes one an expert on child-rearing. I certainly wouldn't want to follow their lead just because of their celeb status or their bank accounts. Having money means having money. NOT being someone people need to follow when it comes to raising a child. Or anything else for that matter.

I just don't get this fascination with celebrity moms and dads. Do people really think that, because a celeb buys a certain stroller that that makes the stroller the best? Don't they realize that it just means it's expensive and that the manufacturer is going to exploit the consumers' need to do what celebrities do? Come on people.

I don't get the fascination. I do enjoy watching certain actors in film and on television. But I couldn't care less how they're raising their kids or what items they're buying to help them in this endeavor. I prefer (and always have preferred) to discover things for myself. If I see something I like and it makes sense, I'm sold. And there were times when I checked something out based on rave reviews of a friend or two. But, thankfully, I have NEVER bought something because a celebrity had one. To be honest, I'm just stubborn enough to NOT purchase an item if I know a celebrity owns one. LOL

But, back to this fascination young parents seem to have with celebrities. Do they think their little ones will grow up to be rich and famous? Do they think that their little ones will be smarter in school and life? Do they think their little ones will draw more attention? Do they think they, themselves will be held on a pedestal? Is it nothing more than morbid curiosity? Or is it ridiculous obsession? Are they not happy with themselves? Do they not trust their own judgement? Do they not realize that being a celebrity parent doesn't mean you're a better parent?

What, exactly, is the deal?

What A Parent Should Be

Or how a parent should be. Who determines (or determined) what kind of parent you are (were going to be)?

Does society dictate your role to you?
Is your parenting based on your own parents methods?
Do you read those stupid parenting books?
Are other parents your role models?
Do you follow your gut?

Maybe your style is (or was) a combination of those things and even more.

I'll tell y'all a little secret about my own parenting style. It was based, basically, on three things:

• Piaget
• My gut
• Doing the opposite of what my parents did- mostly

I LOVED that Piaget studied his own children from the moment they were born. I was bowled over with what a fantastic idea this was. And I loved his conclusions. He was the reason I got my MS in Early Childhood Development. I won't get into the details but I will say that there was no need to read any child development books when my own girls came along. I was all set. And I so enjoyed watching the lovelies through all their developmental stages. Of course, once they reached the ripe old age of the pre-teen years, I was lost. Sort of. So I learned to depend even more upon my---

Gut instincts. I paid attention to my gut WAY more than I did to anything else. I found it to be true that being a student of the lovelies resulted in knowing them thoroughly which resulted in being able to understand their needs, wants, moods, etc. I paid little to no attention to what others had to say or what they did, I trusted my instincts based on my knowledge of each individual daughter. It worked for me. Of course, I did tons of babysitting when I was growing up so I was not a stranger to little ones. And I think that helped ease my mind. When your mind can be eased, things don't seem so daunting.

Ok, that last one is not meant to be mean or anything negative. I just knew that I wanted to do things differently from my parents. They were from a generation where kids were not paid that much attention. Kids were put in front of the television or sent out to play without supervision, anything as long as we didn't bug our parents. Which was ok. Except when it wasn't. We were a generation of kids who realized we weren't being supervised and we tended to take advantage of that fact. Our parents didn't show up at everything we had going on. In their defense, we really didn't have that much going on for them to show up and watch anyway. So I knew I was going to be there for the lovelies and that I was going to expose them to activities in an effort to enable the to find their own, individual niches. And they did.

Those are the three main things that I based my parenting style on IN A NUTSHELL. I could write a freaking dissertation on it but I'll certainly spare y'all that. Basically, this is what worked for me.

Now, share your parenting styles with us!

How Many Is Too Many?

One of my brothers once said something to me along the lines of "...having more than two children is dumb. It you have more than two, you can't give sufficient love to all of them."

He had two. I had four. Yeah, he's not my favorite brother.

It is an interesting question. Is there a number that signifies someone has too many children? I can only speak from my own personal experiences and observations. For example, when I was homeschooling Birdie and DoodleBug in middle school, we met a family with 10 children. TEN. Holy crap. I never could figure out how that mom did it. She was amazing and so was her hubs who was so supportive and involved. The children were lovely--well behaved, happy, smart, active, etc. It was always a pleasure to interact with this family. None of the children seemed to be lacking in time or love from either parent. They were thriving children. No one was starved in the area of love or food or attention...

But then I look at someone like the Octomom and I shudder. Thankfully, I don't believe her to be the norm. I do wonder as to her sanity. But she's not the norm. And, if she was, I would deny it. Vehemently.

I also know families with 5 and 6 children and I find them to be the same as the family I mentioned with 10 children. I just have not, personally, known parents who cannot or do not give their kids plenty of love and attention or provide for them financially just because they have more than one or two children.

I HAVE, on the other hand, known and observed parents who have only one or two children and give them very little attention. These are parents who are self-absorbed either with each other or with themselves and their friends and their own activities. It's sad, but true. It happens. I just have yet to witness it based solely on the number of children one has.

I also know a local woman who takes in foster children and, usually, ends up adopting them. She has made such a difference in the lives of these children. Children who others might not have been so quick to love. This woman is making a difference in multiple lives and has been for as long as I've known her which is going on 20 years. No matter how many children she has in her house at one time (I've never known there to be more than 4 at a time) I've seen them and been around them. They are happy, healthy, loved...

I don't know what the 'real' answer is to this question. But I do believe that, as long as parents are devoted to raising their children in a loving home, the number is not what's important.

Oh, and my brother who made that stupid comment? My four grew up to be healthy, productive, intelligent, dynamic, loving, loyal, humorous, delightful, beautiful women. His two? The mayor and deputy mayor of Dysfunction City.

Family-less Vacations

I've heard about something lately that I'd never even remotely considered when the lovelies were growing up. Apparently, it's ok for moms to go on vacation without their husband and kids.

Alone. On vacation. 

I would have DIED before doing this when the lovelies were little. And most of that has to do with the fact that their dad was not the most attentive of fathers. He was more of a fall-asleep-on-the-couch-and-let-the-party-begin kind of dad. The lovelies loved that.

I didn't. 

Then you have to factor in the fact that I totally enjoyed every minute with the lovelies. We were busy having fun nearly all the time. Raising kids, for me, was BIG FUN. But then, I had great kids. Who didn't suffer with illness (like colic) or severe allergies or any other medical conditions. So, I guess I had it easy.

I have to admit that, when I first heard of moms taking vacations without their families, I went right into judgement mode.

However, when I thought about the colic or food allergies that lead to medical issues or other conditions that can make life extremely difficult when thrown into the mix, I have to say that I understand their need to get away and regroup. I can't imagine how exhausting- physically and emotionally- it must be to have a wee one who is in constant pain from colic and crying, nonstop. As a matter of fact, I doubt'exhausting' does the feeling justice. 

However, looking back from my now empty nest perspective, I believe that I, personally, would now be feeling something along the lines of guilt had I taken any solo vacations. Though, maybe not the kind of guilt you think. It would be more related to my need to control things. Everything. And, while it's way less (and I mean WAY less) now than it's ever been in my entire life, I can honestly say that it would have been the main reason for any guilty feelings from a solo vacation.

I did enjoy every minute of raising the lovelies. I did take my 'job' seriously. And I did love being in control. The 'in charge' person. It was fabulous.

Once the nest emptied out, I was way less interested in being in control in most areas. I think the control part while the lovelies were growing up stemmed from genetics and the fact that Mr. Negative had so many issues and ties with his family that I didn't want them having any say-so. (That turned out to be a good call on my part.) My controlling nature was in place more for protection of the lovelies than in controlling the actual children themselves. I made sure their decisions were their own. That they developed opinions on their own. That they were exposed to a variety of options. That they were allowed every opportunity to discover, explore, enjoy, grow, thrive...

Looking back now, would I have tried the family-less vacation? I don't think so. But I do understand how some parents need a break from time to time to recharge. Life with children can be exhausting when they don't have extra stresses to deal with. Though, admittedly, I'm not sure I'll quite understand when someone takes a family-less vacation just to get away from family life. Of course, they didn't ask my opinion now, did they? :)

The Perfect Parent

Simply does not exist.

No matter how hard we try. No matter how diligently we work. No matter how prepared we think we are--we are not going to be perfect parents. We just do the very best we can.

How much better would it have been, I wonder, if I knew all the stuff I knew post raising kids while they were growing up? Some things may have been better, actually. But not everything. And I still wouldn't have been a perfect parent.

I was ready. I was enthusiastic. I was learned. I was motivated. I was unselfish. But I was not perfect.

Sometimes, it may look like some parents have it all together and know what they're doing. They seem unfrazzled. They appear perfect. But they are not. They may be more experienced. But don't be fooled, they are not perfect.

And now, it's confession time.

Yep, I'm going to put a few of my mistakes out there for everyone to see.

I turned my back for one split second while DoodleBug was in the baby pool in the front yard and she slipped and went under. There was all of 4 inches of water in that baby pool and she was barely under long enough for her hair to get wet BUT, I still felt that I was the number one contender for the worst mother EVER award.

I was sweeping off the front porch one day and Birdie was out there with me. In her walker. She got too close to the edge of the porch and tumbled off into the bushes. Our porch is about three feet high, if that. She was fine. She didn't even shed a tear. Again, number one contender for the worst mother EVER award.

Then there was the time I was on the phone and suddenly realized Birdie was no where to be seen. I found her on the top shelf of her closet. She had climbed up there all by her 15 month old self. Yep. Worst mother EVER.

The time I told school I was going to pick my 1st grader up early (DoodleBug) and proceeded to forget to pick her up. Worst. Mother. EVER.

With raising four daughters, there were more mistakes than this. But y'all get the idea.

You will forget things. Your kids will survive.
You will make mistakes. Your kids will survive.

You will be too hard on yourself. Stop it.

Kids are way more resilient than we give them credit. Most of the mistakes that parents make are not going to ruin our children. We're human. Mistakes happen. They are a part of life. Kicking yourself over and over and over again and again and again is not going to change the fact that you made a mistake.

Learn from it. Forgive yourself for it. Get over it. And move on.

To the next mistake. :)

Seriously. Don't compare yourself to other parents who seem to be so darn perfect. Don't brow-beat yourself because you think you aren't perfect. Just love your sweet blessings and teach them to laugh. Everything will turn out just fine!

What are some of your parenting mistakes? 

What's a Temper Tantrum?

Seriously. The lovelies never had them. Never.

I've seen my girls have them as they've gotten older. But I think it's called PMS after a certain age. And, later, menopause. Ha!

But temper tantrums as little kids? Nope. And here's why--

• I didn't take them out when they were tired
• I didn't take them out when they were hungry
• I didn't raise spoiled brats

I've heard some mothers say things akin to, "Temper tantrums are just to be expected when you have little ones." And, "Temper tantrums are like breathing, a part of life with little ones." Really? I never expected them. And I raised four of the little darlings.

Now, I'm not saying that I was this amazingly perfect mother. Far from it. BUT, I am saying that, if a little kid is having temper tantrums, and does not have a diagnosis of autism or something, there is at least a 95% chance that it's the fault of the parent, not the little one's. 

I see mothers in the grocery store 'ignoring' the temper tantrums of their tired and/or hungry little bits. If they could see the expression on their faces--which read something like, "Holy crap I wish you'd stop that freaking noise and I hope to God that I can maintain my composure because I want everyone to think that I'm a spectacular mother (although some of them actually appear Valium induced), maybe they'd stop torturing their kids and let them eat/sleep before they bring them out shopping which no little kid enjoys anyway. And, if the kid is hungry AND tired, you're really in for it ladies. 

The little ones who aren't tired or hungry but are still engaging in a tantrum are still not to blame. Why? Because the mothers are the adults. They are the in charge person. They HAVE the power. But they choose to let little Johnny or Debbie have the power. It's like these mothers are scared of their kids or something. 

Here's the thing- parents have to be students of their children. We are around our darlings all the time and we have the ability to make smart decisions. Knowing that it's close to lunch time and taking your kid out shopping anyway is NOT a smart decision. Dare I just come out and say- it's stupid? Cause it is. 

When we have kids, our agendas go out the window. And we should throw them out willingly. We're the adults. We know better. And, if I see too many more of these self-important mothers out there with kids flailing about, I might not be able to contain my sentiments. 

And you haven't seen a temper tantrum until you see that. 

Did Yours Listen?

Kids, I mean.

As I recall, the lovelies did tend towards selective hearing. A trait I'm pretty sure was passed on from their dad because he's really good at it too.

Anyway, did your kids listen to you? Did they hang onto your every syllable? Did they stand at listening position speedy quick followed by the immediate springing into action to do whatever simple little thing you asked of them?

Riiiiight. Mine didn't either. Unless, of course, your kids DID. In that case then, so did mine! Ha!

It seems that there are a lot of people out there making excuses for the behavior of children. And, armed with said excuses, the adults in the relationships then feel compelled to allow certain behaviors to go...undisciplined. From what I've witnessed, the children of these enablers run a muck in public and purposefully ignore any requests of their parents to stop. Not that that many of these parents are asking their kids to stop anyway.

Excuses include

• they're just kids. (No shit kidding. And they need direction.) 
• they're just expressing themselves. (Really? And you allow that to the point of totally disrespecting others?)
• they're learning. (Learning what? How to be obnoxious and rude? They don't learn if you don't teach.)
• they're still developing. (I'm aware. They still need to know the rules.)
• they don't feel heard. (Give me a break. Nobody is going to listen to yelling and screaming.)
• they're human. (Human monsters without direction.)

Y'all know what I think the problem is? The parents. That's what the problem is.

Yes, I do believe there are reasons behind the behaviors of children. But, with little kids, I'm pretty much of the belief that a lack of guidance and discipline (NOT spanking...discipline is guiding, directing, teaching) is the problem that leads us to having to delve into the reasons for their bad behavior as they age.

Am I an expert? No. I've merely raised four daughters and hold an MS in early childhood development. I have opinions. But I am NOT an expert. I am an observer who is able to put two and two together.

In our house, the lovelies listened most of the time. They had their stubborn moments and there were times when I let it go and times when I didn't. It's not like I was a dictator and expected them to stand at attention just because I walked into a room.

• I wanted them to be respectful but not door mats.
• I wanted them to express themselves but so that people would listen rather than tune them out.
• I wanted them to have their own opinions but to respect the right of others to have their own as well.

I tried to teach them a 'giveandtake' attitude instead of the 'TAKE' attitude I see nowadays. There's a sense of entitlement among the little ones today. And I don't mind telling them that they are simply no more important than anyone else in the world.

Like I always told the lovelies, "Your dad and I love you more than anyone else in the world. We think y'all are 'all that and a bag of chips.' HOWEVER, that is within our walls. Outside of these home walls, no one thinks of you that way. They think that way about THEIR kids."

The lovelies knew not to go out there believing that they were better than everyone else or more important.

I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to hold my tongue when I go out to shop and see these children running around with their false sense of entitlement.

Are you seeing anything like this where you live?

Redefining the Nest

Do you ever dare yourself to do things? 

I suppose the first thing I had to dare myself to do when the nest became empty was to figure out who exactly I was now that the lovelies were all grown up. It may sound a little crazy, but I really did have to define myself in this new role. Maybe redefine is a better way to say it.

The kids still need us from time to time when they leave the nest. Especially if they leave to go to college. I mean, who else is going to fill out FAFSA and send them incidental and askidental money (remember The Cosby Show episode when Cliff explains to Theo that askidental money is the money they ask for when they misspend the incidental money?) when they need it?  And they also still have situations that they still bring to us to help sort out- with roommates, boyfriends, crazy professors... 

But, for the most part, an empty nest meant I had a lot of time on my hands. I was still a mother but not the volunteering, chauffeuring, managing, doctoring, nurturing, encouraging, making priceless memories, laughing until it hurt, praying, creating family traditions, etc. type mom anymore. Those days were over. And, for me, they’ve been over for the last three years. 

Filling the time proved to be a ginormous feat at first. I tried a lot of things:

• organizing over 25 years of pictures and scrapbooking them 
• organizing and purging the attic 
•  got a puppy
• started gardening 
• started blogging
• redecorated rooms

Yep. The first three years were, for the most part, spent trying to find out how to fill all those empty hours. I finally realized that I didn’t have to fill every single waking second to the brim. I could now read a book or watch a movie all the way through. I could go to lunch with friends. I could shop without having to stop in the middle to meet a child’s next scheduled activity. I could focus some time on myself and get ME back into shape. I could get to know myself again- as ME instead of MOM. Which is no easy feat when you've been MOM for 27 years. 

Of course, with all the free time my mind was free to wander and there were the bazillion thoughts that ran through my mind nearly every waking moment such as:

•  Did I do all I could have?
• Did I do all I should have?
• Did I yell too much when I was frustrated or tired? 
• Did I tell them everything they needed to know?
• Did I set a good enough example?
• Can I have a redo? I promise I’ll do it better.

Yep, the first thoughts running through my mind were centered on the inadequacies of my mothering skills. I just knew that I had messed up and what was I going to do now because it was simply too late. Funny how our minds do this. 

But we have to realize that we can’t live like this. We do the very best we can. Human beings are not perfect, we just try as best we can. Those who live with us come to know every aspect of our being- the good and the bad- and they love us still. There’s just no sense in dwelling/fretting over those things we cannot change. 

The empty nest years are redefining, emotional, self-discovery years. It’s an adjustment. And periods of adjustment take time. It’s all part of the journey. And the journey itself can be the brass ring if we let it. It doesn’t have to be an insurmountable obstacle that keeps us from living our lives. Just look at it as a new era- different, not despairing. 

And yes, you might find yourself turning on the television just for the noise- you might even find yourself talking to it (or, if you're like me, arguing with it). But you might also find yourself outside enjoying nature or working on your fitness level or having lunch with your BFF whom you haven't really seen in YEARS because you've both been so busy with the joy of raising children. Now, you get to enjoy the pleasure of the YOU years.

 

As with any new phase of our lives, the empty nest era will be what we choose them to be. I decided to embrace mine as different and quite doable instead of despairing and debilitating. (I do realize that there are those of us out there who just can't seem to quite get on with the personal redefining and, for those blessed souls, I say: asking for help is always a good idea!). 

What will you choose for your empty nest years?