GAPs? What's That?

I visited a new-to-me blog this weekend called Pass the Honey by Pam Garrett and was inspired by her post: Shifting Roles: GAPs. And no, it is not about the gap in Michael Strahan's front teeth (I love him!)

I had no idea what 'GAPs' stood for but it's: Grandparents As Parents. And I've known quite a few. My mother-in-law had to step in with her daughter's son, my brother and his wife stepped in for their granddaughters, a dear friend stepped in for her grandson...and the list goes on.

Luckily, most of these situations turned out with happy endings. Daughters and/or sons pulling it all together and being able to resume their roles as parents and doing it well. I guess we have slow starts in life situations from time to time. And I think it is fantastic that grandparents are willing and able to step up and take on the role of parents for however long.

After reading Pam's post, I realize that I was totally clueless to the effort and adjustment that goes into grandparents assuming the parental role with their grandchildren. But it is tremendous and shows a great deal of love and selflessness.

So many things change from the time we raise our children until our grandchildren come along. And figuring it all out has got to be stressful. Facing retirement and leisure time goes away and being a parent starts all over again when we've been done with that stage of our lives for 10 or 20 or more years. It just can't be easy. And I never thought about that.

So, scoot over to Pass the Honey and read all about Pam's experience and notice, as I did, the unconditional love she has for her granddaughter and the courage, willingness, selflessness and dedication she has to taking on this role that, I think, many underestimate.

Kudos to all who have taken on the role of GAPs. Surely y'all have a crown and throne awaiting you one day.

Do y'all know any GAPs?

Hogwash

I was reading the other day and I came across a comment that it is difficult not to let a sense of entitlement creep into family life these days. My immediate reaction was- HOGWASH.

After longer thought, my reaction remained the same. That's just a load of crap.

It might creep into the lives of the lazy family. It might creep into the lives of the family with parents too busy to pay attention. It might creep into the lives of the family with overindulgent parents. But it's not difficult to keep it out of the family.

I have to wonder if it's just a matter of people not thinking or not worrying about what happens when their kids grow up. Maybe they don't want to deal with whiny, misbehaving kids so they give in to whatever the kids want just to keep the peace. Maybe these parents just don't know any better and think they are doing the right thing.

Regardless, it's not difficult to keep that sense of entitlement out of our homes. We just have to set our standards and stick to them. If we don't want kids with a sense of entitlement, then we don't do everything for them while they sit back and relax. No one else in this wide world is going to do everything for them. When they get out into this world, they will be expected to be able to make a contribution. The world is not here to serve these children. They need to be ready to get out there and take advantage of all the wonderful things the world has to offer. If they go out expecting that they will be granted their every wish, they are going to be disappointed in a HUGE way. And disliked. And not respected. And shunned.

To put it simply- no matter how much we would like to think our kids are the perfect/donowrong types, they aren't. None of us are. That type does not exist.

  

When did we stop leaving the responsibility for bad behavior with anyone and everyone BUT the parents/teachers and other authorities with whom our children interact? Sweet little darlings. How could something so cute and sweet ever be responsible for reprehensible actions?

Instead of pointing fingers, it's time to start leaving the responsibility with the individual. Whether it's an adult or a cute little kid, we are, each and every one of us, responsible for our own individual choices. And I believe it's better that our children learn that from the people who love them most rather than as a slap in the face with a 2x4 from someone who isn't going to take that kind of crap from anyone out in the real world.

Ah, parents This is not difficult. This is necessary. This is YOUR responsibility. YOU are the teachers of your children. Your choice is this: Teach your child life skills or, don't, and wait for someone else to do it in the school of hard knocks.

What do y'all think?

I Can Top That

I have to admit that, sometimes, when reading about the horror stories of parents traveling with kids, I laugh. Not because I'm a mean person and am taking pleasure from their tales. But because they act like it's the worst thing in the world. The tales from parents of one or two kids just seem so...I don't know, manageable, to me. I raised four. Everything that happened did so-- x4.

"OMG. My youngest threw up repeatedly in the car on the way to the relatives over Christmas. And then my oldest followed suit." Really? It happened to us too. But it was usually Thanksgiving. And it didn't stop at two kids. Nope. THAT was just the beginning. And they didn't just throw up on themselves or a blanket on in my hand. Nope. They threw up all over the place even though we had plastic bags (because who doesn't keep those in the car when you have kids?). AND THEN, it went through the whole family and the relatives. Yeah, fun times. Black Friday took on a whole new meaning that year.

How about the Thanksgiving when I had been telling a certain man that the van (yes, I used to drive a mini-van) sounded as though it was going to throw a rod. I was ignored. We get on the road, about three hours in and BAM! Rod thrown. New engine bought. Thanksgiving saved by the loan of another vehicle from a relative.

How about the trip back from a family gathering of sorts in Georgia and we get on the road home only to have to outrun a freaking tornado??? Scary as hell and exhilarating all at the same time. Especially with four screaming daughters that drowned out the sound of the golf balled sized hail furiously pounding the car.

Or the time that we were headed into uncharted territory with an outdated map and the AC in the car broke and someone didn't stop to ask for directions for about 2 hours and...well, you can take it from there, I'm sure.

What about the time(s) we took the boat out into Bull's Bay and it broke down. And no one was out there. For HOURS. And people were not feeling well. And yes, that would be plural 'times'.

What about a certain someone teaching the daughters how much fun surfing is. And how it's always best just before a hurricane. It's not a trip, but still.

Oh yeah. I've got plenty of tales. Crazy tales. And we lived through each and every one of them. Surprisingly. So you can imagine how comical some of the tales I've heard lately seem.

Now, come on. Let's hear your tales. If you've got kids, you've got tales!

10 Fabulous Handmade Toys

Y'all are either not going to believe how awesome these are OR, you're going to wonder if I've been living under a rock 'cause y'all have known about these for YEARS. Nevertheless, here are my top 10 favorite handmade toys. And you can bet that I'll be making some of these with or without grands.

1. Cut up worn out story books and turn them into fridge magnets (just click the picture for the link). Great way for kids to retell the story! I would so do this (and probably get carried away) if the lovelies were little again. Guess I'll have to wait for grands. Or, I could get started now. I do have all the books we read over the years!

2. Make an igloo with recycled milk cartons (just click the picture for the link). AWESOME! Kids or no, I'm seriously thinking about making one of these bad boys!

3. Recycled soda bottle sprinkler (just click the picture for the link)! How stinkin' cool is this?!

4. Cardboard slide from refrigerator box (just click the picture for the link). My brothers and I used cardboard to slide down a big, grassy hill but we just used pillows for the stairs. Wish we had thought of this. Oh, wait. It wouldn't have worked. We weren't even supposed to slide down on the pillows.

5. A doll house from old chest of drawers (just click the picture for the link). Another thing that might not wait. I have a true love for doll houses!

OR re-purpose a CD shelf (just click the picture for the link).

6. Fine motor skill board (just click the picture for the link). We had these at the center where I did my graduate assistant ship. I never thought about it for the lovelies. 

7. Story stones (just click the picture for the link). Too stinkin' cute! WANT!

8. Ribbon wands (just click the picture for the link)! Who doesn't enjoy a good ribbon wand?

9. Yarn and ribbon laser course (just click the picture for the link)! Oh yeah! I foresee this in our immediate future. No kids needed. 

10. Shower curtain play mat (just click the picture for the link). What a great idea! 

Dang, there are some creative folks out there!

Ok, what great ideas do y'all have?

Cool And Awesome

I have seen a few toys out there that I would love to have! Yes, I still enjoy playing from time to time. AND, one never knows when the grandchild fairy will wave her magic wand upon them. Plus, just because some of us live in an empty nest (or should be living in one), doesn't mean we don't enjoy a fun toy every now and then. SO---

1. Kinetic Sand. This stuff is awesome! I could spend HOURS playing around with it. This one is just for my own personal entertainment.

2. Shark Laser Pointer (just click on the picture to go to the site). OMG but couldn't I have some fun using thisas a pointer in my classes????? It would be AWESOME!

3. Chalktrail (just click on the picture to go to the site).. Got a bike? Then this is just perfect. Though I might get dizzy and bust my ass head open looking backwards at my designs.

4. Eco-Crayons (just click on the picture to go to the site). We all love crayons. These are so cool in so many ways!

5. Multi-Voice Changer (just click on the picture to go to the site). Oh yeah! Not only could we all have big fun with this gem but, just think of the power of retaliation you would have by giving it to a kid with obnoxious parents.

6. Punch Paddles (just click on the picture to go to the site). Talk about getting up off the couch! This would be way big fun! And it provides a means for venting! Not that I'd aim for anyone's face or anything. 

7. Marshmallow Shooter (just click on the picture to go to the site). A little on the tame side but fun nonetheless. They make them for the big marshmallows too. 

8. Bright Lights BBOP (just click on the picture to go to the site). Come on now. Do I really have to say anything at all about this one????

9. Supersized Light Doodler (just click on the picture to go to the site). Maybe it's just a throwback to my college days, but I find this one rather hypnotic. And fun. 

10. Foam Sports Disks and Rubber Ball (just click on the picture to go to the site). Another fun way to get up off the couch! 

OR this one, Smakaball:

I know you see kids in those pictures but I assure you that there is not one single adult in this family who wouldn't totally enjoy these items. 

Santa, if you're reading this....

Would y'all like any of these toys? 

New Research My Foot

Don't you just love how new moms love to quote what 'new research' shows? Yeah, neither do I. As a matter of fact, if they'd stop reading all the 'new research' and pay attention to their little ones, they'd realize that very little of this research is new at all. It's what observant moms have always known. And they've known it because they were students of their children.

New research shows, for example---

• Moms are the most tired people in a family 
• Separation from mother stresses babies
• There are clues in babies' crying
• Babies understand more than parents think they do
• Honey can provide comfort from coughing in children
• New labor positions to try

The list goes on. And on.

My question is this: Are you kidding me? THIS is NEW research? I don't think so. 

I'm not saying that there isn't any research out there that isn't helpful. Certainly, there is. I, for one, am a fan of the research showing the relationship between health problems/syndromes/disorders and nutrition. But it's not NEW research. I am a fan of the holistic/natural/organic movement in health and nutrition. But it's not NEW research either. 

I guess it's good if there are really that many young mothers out there who are totally clueless. But, I just don't think that there are. I'm pretty sure that a lot of them know how to pay attention and learn to read the signs. Or maybe the 'experts' conducting these 'studies' are smarter than all of us put together and have discovered how to get rich off our stupidity.

I read one article relating the number of fast food commercials children between the ages of 2 and 5 see on television and childhood obesity. Really? THAT'S their concern? I have to wonder why we're not asking, "What the hell is your little kid doing in front of the television?!"

They are asking companies to stop targeting preschoolers. I'm asking the parents to stop putting their kids in front of the television.

I admit that I am a bit disturbed that parents need to be told such things as children need ample sleep. Seriously. Who doesn't know this?

Touch your infants more. Touch your infants less. Breastfeed your baby. Don't breastfeed your baby. Use cloth diapers. Use Pampers. Use plastic bottles. Use glass bottles. Drink wine. Don't drink wine. Caffeine is ok. Caffeine is not ok.

There are always going to be at least two sides to everything. It's a wonder new parents' heads aren't in a constant whirlpool. It's even a greater wonder that they continue to read and write about all these studies.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. And again. And again.

Pay attention to your children. From birth. AND LEARN.

Independence

Warning---this might have come off rather judgmental....and it's definitely opinionated. LOL

I read about a mom making her almost one year old stay in his room for playtime. By himself. She mentioned that he howled for over 20 minutes not wanting to do it. Not wanting to stay in his room alone and be forced to play by himself. At 11 months old.

Really?

Do parents do that? For real? I never did and I've never heard of it, so I'm curious. When the lovelies were little, I played with them and taught them and tended to their needs. It was fun. Time with little bits is precious and enjoyable. It's a time of learning for the little one AND for the adult.

As they got older, the lovelies did begin to appreciate independent play. And I believe that they did it when they were ready developmentally. When they had developed a strong sense of security and well-being that led to the self-confidence they needed to venture out in their own time and not need mom around every second of the day.

I believe that, had I forced this (among other things) before they were developmentally ready, we could very well have had some issues.

I also believed that sending them to a mother's morning out program (3 hours/day, 3 days/week) and preschool (3 hours/day, 5 days/week) would teach them how to interact with other kids. They would learn social skills needed to be successful in school. By the time the lovelies entered kindergarten, their social skills were in place and they were ready to learn academically. The pressure was off. Their transition to 'real' school was a cinch.

What I don't understand are the SAHMs who take their little ones to daycare from 8:00 am til 5:00 pm every single day of the week. Aren't they SAHMs for the same reason I was? So that they can raise their own kids and not rely on someone else to do it for them? I heard of one mom who couldn't go to her 2 year old son's Halloween program at daycare because she was going to be busy decorating for a Halloween party at their home. What's up with that?

I believe that children come with an internal, developmental clock that guides them. When certain developmental phases are reached, new activities/behaviors/etc. emerge. Forcing them to do something before they reach each developmental phase could have negative results. Seriously, if a parent feels the need to force a very young child to have independent play time, I have to wonder why? Cause if he/she just wants some quiet time or a cup of coffee, my advice is to GET UP EARLIER.

Celebrities

Are you kidding me? Do people really care THAT much about how celebrities do everyday life things? I've noticed a lot of stories and comments out in the cyber world like--

• Baby names celebrities choose
• How celebrities handle picky eaters
• Where celebrities shop
• Celebrities who choose not to circumcise
• Celebrities who had their first baby after the age of 40

I'm waiting to see titles like these:

• How celebrities get their 2 year old to stop picking her nose
• How celebrities teach their babies to poop in the potty before the age of 6 months
• Ways celebrities conceive babies

Good grief. I can't imagine being so consumed with celebrities that I care how they do anything. Especially when it comes to parenting. I don't think being a celebrity makes one an expert on child-rearing. I certainly wouldn't want to follow their lead just because of their celeb status or their bank accounts. Having money means having money. NOT being someone people need to follow when it comes to raising a child. Or anything else for that matter.

I just don't get this fascination with celebrity moms and dads. Do people really think that, because a celeb buys a certain stroller that that makes the stroller the best? Don't they realize that it just means it's expensive and that the manufacturer is going to exploit the consumers' need to do what celebrities do? Come on people.

I don't get the fascination. I do enjoy watching certain actors in film and on television. But I couldn't care less how they're raising their kids or what items they're buying to help them in this endeavor. I prefer (and always have preferred) to discover things for myself. If I see something I like and it makes sense, I'm sold. And there were times when I checked something out based on rave reviews of a friend or two. But, thankfully, I have NEVER bought something because a celebrity had one. To be honest, I'm just stubborn enough to NOT purchase an item if I know a celebrity owns one. LOL

But, back to this fascination young parents seem to have with celebrities. Do they think their little ones will grow up to be rich and famous? Do they think that their little ones will be smarter in school and life? Do they think their little ones will draw more attention? Do they think they, themselves will be held on a pedestal? Is it nothing more than morbid curiosity? Or is it ridiculous obsession? Are they not happy with themselves? Do they not trust their own judgement? Do they not realize that being a celebrity parent doesn't mean you're a better parent?

What, exactly, is the deal?

What A Parent Should Be

Or how a parent should be. Who determines (or determined) what kind of parent you are (were going to be)?

Does society dictate your role to you?
Is your parenting based on your own parents methods?
Do you read those stupid parenting books?
Are other parents your role models?
Do you follow your gut?

Maybe your style is (or was) a combination of those things and even more.

I'll tell y'all a little secret about my own parenting style. It was based, basically, on three things:

• Piaget
• My gut
• Doing the opposite of what my parents did- mostly

I LOVED that Piaget studied his own children from the moment they were born. I was bowled over with what a fantastic idea this was. And I loved his conclusions. He was the reason I got my MS in Early Childhood Development. I won't get into the details but I will say that there was no need to read any child development books when my own girls came along. I was all set. And I so enjoyed watching the lovelies through all their developmental stages. Of course, once they reached the ripe old age of the pre-teen years, I was lost. Sort of. So I learned to depend even more upon my---

Gut instincts. I paid attention to my gut WAY more than I did to anything else. I found it to be true that being a student of the lovelies resulted in knowing them thoroughly which resulted in being able to understand their needs, wants, moods, etc. I paid little to no attention to what others had to say or what they did, I trusted my instincts based on my knowledge of each individual daughter. It worked for me. Of course, I did tons of babysitting when I was growing up so I was not a stranger to little ones. And I think that helped ease my mind. When your mind can be eased, things don't seem so daunting.

Ok, that last one is not meant to be mean or anything negative. I just knew that I wanted to do things differently from my parents. They were from a generation where kids were not paid that much attention. Kids were put in front of the television or sent out to play without supervision, anything as long as we didn't bug our parents. Which was ok. Except when it wasn't. We were a generation of kids who realized we weren't being supervised and we tended to take advantage of that fact. Our parents didn't show up at everything we had going on. In their defense, we really didn't have that much going on for them to show up and watch anyway. So I knew I was going to be there for the lovelies and that I was going to expose them to activities in an effort to enable the to find their own, individual niches. And they did.

Those are the three main things that I based my parenting style on IN A NUTSHELL. I could write a freaking dissertation on it but I'll certainly spare y'all that. Basically, this is what worked for me.

Now, share your parenting styles with us!

How Many Is Too Many?

One of my brothers once said something to me along the lines of "...having more than two children is dumb. It you have more than two, you can't give sufficient love to all of them."

He had two. I had four. Yeah, he's not my favorite brother.

It is an interesting question. Is there a number that signifies someone has too many children? I can only speak from my own personal experiences and observations. For example, when I was homeschooling Birdie and DoodleBug in middle school, we met a family with 10 children. TEN. Holy crap. I never could figure out how that mom did it. She was amazing and so was her hubs who was so supportive and involved. The children were lovely--well behaved, happy, smart, active, etc. It was always a pleasure to interact with this family. None of the children seemed to be lacking in time or love from either parent. They were thriving children. No one was starved in the area of love or food or attention...

But then I look at someone like the Octomom and I shudder. Thankfully, I don't believe her to be the norm. I do wonder as to her sanity. But she's not the norm. And, if she was, I would deny it. Vehemently.

I also know families with 5 and 6 children and I find them to be the same as the family I mentioned with 10 children. I just have not, personally, known parents who cannot or do not give their kids plenty of love and attention or provide for them financially just because they have more than one or two children.

I HAVE, on the other hand, known and observed parents who have only one or two children and give them very little attention. These are parents who are self-absorbed either with each other or with themselves and their friends and their own activities. It's sad, but true. It happens. I just have yet to witness it based solely on the number of children one has.

I also know a local woman who takes in foster children and, usually, ends up adopting them. She has made such a difference in the lives of these children. Children who others might not have been so quick to love. This woman is making a difference in multiple lives and has been for as long as I've known her which is going on 20 years. No matter how many children she has in her house at one time (I've never known there to be more than 4 at a time) I've seen them and been around them. They are happy, healthy, loved...

I don't know what the 'real' answer is to this question. But I do believe that, as long as parents are devoted to raising their children in a loving home, the number is not what's important.

Oh, and my brother who made that stupid comment? My four grew up to be healthy, productive, intelligent, dynamic, loving, loyal, humorous, delightful, beautiful women. His two? The mayor and deputy mayor of Dysfunction City.

Family-less Vacations

I've heard about something lately that I'd never even remotely considered when the lovelies were growing up. Apparently, it's ok for moms to go on vacation without their husband and kids.

Alone. On vacation. 

I would have DIED before doing this when the lovelies were little. And most of that has to do with the fact that their dad was not the most attentive of fathers. He was more of a fall-asleep-on-the-couch-and-let-the-party-begin kind of dad. The lovelies loved that.

I didn't. 

Then you have to factor in the fact that I totally enjoyed every minute with the lovelies. We were busy having fun nearly all the time. Raising kids, for me, was BIG FUN. But then, I had great kids. Who didn't suffer with illness (like colic) or severe allergies or any other medical conditions. So, I guess I had it easy.

I have to admit that, when I first heard of moms taking vacations without their families, I went right into judgement mode.

However, when I thought about the colic or food allergies that lead to medical issues or other conditions that can make life extremely difficult when thrown into the mix, I have to say that I understand their need to get away and regroup. I can't imagine how exhausting- physically and emotionally- it must be to have a wee one who is in constant pain from colic and crying, nonstop. As a matter of fact, I doubt'exhausting' does the feeling justice. 

However, looking back from my now empty nest perspective, I believe that I, personally, would now be feeling something along the lines of guilt had I taken any solo vacations. Though, maybe not the kind of guilt you think. It would be more related to my need to control things. Everything. And, while it's way less (and I mean WAY less) now than it's ever been in my entire life, I can honestly say that it would have been the main reason for any guilty feelings from a solo vacation.

I did enjoy every minute of raising the lovelies. I did take my 'job' seriously. And I did love being in control. The 'in charge' person. It was fabulous.

Once the nest emptied out, I was way less interested in being in control in most areas. I think the control part while the lovelies were growing up stemmed from genetics and the fact that Mr. Negative had so many issues and ties with his family that I didn't want them having any say-so. (That turned out to be a good call on my part.) My controlling nature was in place more for protection of the lovelies than in controlling the actual children themselves. I made sure their decisions were their own. That they developed opinions on their own. That they were exposed to a variety of options. That they were allowed every opportunity to discover, explore, enjoy, grow, thrive...

Looking back now, would I have tried the family-less vacation? I don't think so. But I do understand how some parents need a break from time to time to recharge. Life with children can be exhausting when they don't have extra stresses to deal with. Though, admittedly, I'm not sure I'll quite understand when someone takes a family-less vacation just to get away from family life. Of course, they didn't ask my opinion now, did they? :)

Work Out Moms

When the first two lovelies came along, Breezy and Deanie, I was pretty good about walking for exercise. I also made use of a few exercise channels- Denise Whatshername was on Lifetime and so was that dark haired guy- forgot his name...oh yeah, Gilad, or something like that. Anyway, I did work out.

Then Birdie and DoodleBug came along. Was I still working out? Sort of. I moved on to the videos- Richard Simmons Sweatin' to the Oldies and such. I even teamed up with a friend to do some self-made exercises. There were the two times I tried a gym that provided child care and the Body and Soul workout offered at our church.

I sweated to those oldies about three times. The friend team up workouts lasted less than five months. The gyms lasted less than one month each. Everyone quit the Body and Soul classes.

My biggest problem? Commitment.

My biggest problem now? Being overweight.

Now it's going to take way longer to get into shape and get fit than it ever would have when the lovelies were growing up.

Sure, life got busier and busier the older each daughter got. Their involvements were so time consuming that I ran herethereandeverywhere every day of the week. But that should not have been used as an excuse. I could have fit some sort of exercise in every day had I just put forth the effort. I did not.

It seems, these days, that there is a myriad of ways young mothers can take advantage of getting/staying fit. My suggestion is that they latch on to the way that works for them (or multiple ways) and never let go.

Start a group where you all go for walks/runs together and, if there are multiple children in each family, take turns watching the kids while the others go for the walk/run and then switch. No one would have to watch the kids more than once a week if you work it out right.

Partner with your spouse- take turns working out while the other watches the little blessing(s).

Find something that works and then get out there and DO SOMETHING.

Don't fool around and wait and end up in the shape I'm in now.

Plus, you'll be much better examples of healthy, fitful living for your children than I ever was for the lovelies. The pay off is HUGE for you and all those little eyes that are watching your every move.

Did you take time to workout while your kids were little?

The Perfect Parent

Simply does not exist.

No matter how hard we try. No matter how diligently we work. No matter how prepared we think we are--we are not going to be perfect parents. We just do the very best we can.

How much better would it have been, I wonder, if I knew all the stuff I knew post raising kids while they were growing up? Some things may have been better, actually. But not everything. And I still wouldn't have been a perfect parent.

I was ready. I was enthusiastic. I was learned. I was motivated. I was unselfish. But I was not perfect.

Sometimes, it may look like some parents have it all together and know what they're doing. They seem unfrazzled. They appear perfect. But they are not. They may be more experienced. But don't be fooled, they are not perfect.

And now, it's confession time.

Yep, I'm going to put a few of my mistakes out there for everyone to see.

I turned my back for one split second while DoodleBug was in the baby pool in the front yard and she slipped and went under. There was all of 4 inches of water in that baby pool and she was barely under long enough for her hair to get wet BUT, I still felt that I was the number one contender for the worst mother EVER award.

I was sweeping off the front porch one day and Birdie was out there with me. In her walker. She got too close to the edge of the porch and tumbled off into the bushes. Our porch is about three feet high, if that. She was fine. She didn't even shed a tear. Again, number one contender for the worst mother EVER award.

Then there was the time I was on the phone and suddenly realized Birdie was no where to be seen. I found her on the top shelf of her closet. She had climbed up there all by her 15 month old self. Yep. Worst mother EVER.

The time I told school I was going to pick my 1st grader up early (DoodleBug) and proceeded to forget to pick her up. Worst. Mother. EVER.

With raising four daughters, there were more mistakes than this. But y'all get the idea.

You will forget things. Your kids will survive.
You will make mistakes. Your kids will survive.

You will be too hard on yourself. Stop it.

Kids are way more resilient than we give them credit. Most of the mistakes that parents make are not going to ruin our children. We're human. Mistakes happen. They are a part of life. Kicking yourself over and over and over again and again and again is not going to change the fact that you made a mistake.

Learn from it. Forgive yourself for it. Get over it. And move on.

To the next mistake. :)

Seriously. Don't compare yourself to other parents who seem to be so darn perfect. Don't brow-beat yourself because you think you aren't perfect. Just love your sweet blessings and teach them to laugh. Everything will turn out just fine!

What are some of your parenting mistakes? 

Ten Things I Find To Be True

About kids.

There are so many truths out there about kids. But don't worry. I narrowed mine down to ten. Is my list based on personal experience? Maybe. ;) Hopefully this will give you a chuckle for the weekend!

Kids---

1. Really do seem to have a label on them for every conceivable issue they have. Most of the time this is a good thing...you know, when a child actually does need help. But, sometimes, the problem is just that a kid is a spoiled brat. Learn to tell the difference.
2. DO learn from our example. Better make sure you're setting a good one. The whole do-as-I-say-NOT-as-I-do thing is BS. When the lovelies used to tell me I was setting a bad example, I told them to get a new mentor. That didn't work. Some of my bad habits have come back to bite me.
3. Are going to tell at least one lie to someone- a parent, teacher, friend... expect it. It. Will. Happen. And then people will look at you. Critically. 
4. Will rebel under certain circumstances. Trying to force a kid to do it your way will not work. Will. NOT.Work. At all. It's like giving them a reason to rebel. And to laugh at your stupidity. 
5. Will not listen to you or believe you if you are not consistent. Inconsistency in discipline will lead to you losing your credibility with a kid. Let your 'yes' be 'yes' and your 'no' be 'no'. If you aren't going to stick with it, don't let the words out of your mouth to begin with. 
6. Can run faster than you. It would be best if you figured this out BEFORE they take off in a crowd. 
7. Find humor in a vast array of situations and words and in the way people look. And they will laugh right then and there. Loudly. And hysterically. And people will look at you. Critically.  
8. Will speak the truth about what they see. Right in front of the person they've observed. Loudly. 
9. Have no concept of time. Until it's related to something they want to do. 
10. Will ask all kinds of questions. But they'll only ask the embarrassing kind in public. Loudly. And they won't let up until you give them a satisfactory answer. 

Now, let's hear your list!

What's a Temper Tantrum?

Seriously. The lovelies never had them. Never.

I've seen my girls have them as they've gotten older. But I think it's called PMS after a certain age. And, later, menopause. Ha!

But temper tantrums as little kids? Nope. And here's why--

• I didn't take them out when they were tired
• I didn't take them out when they were hungry
• I didn't raise spoiled brats

I've heard some mothers say things akin to, "Temper tantrums are just to be expected when you have little ones." And, "Temper tantrums are like breathing, a part of life with little ones." Really? I never expected them. And I raised four of the little darlings.

Now, I'm not saying that I was this amazingly perfect mother. Far from it. BUT, I am saying that, if a little kid is having temper tantrums, and does not have a diagnosis of autism or something, there is at least a 95% chance that it's the fault of the parent, not the little one's. 

I see mothers in the grocery store 'ignoring' the temper tantrums of their tired and/or hungry little bits. If they could see the expression on their faces--which read something like, "Holy crap I wish you'd stop that freaking noise and I hope to God that I can maintain my composure because I want everyone to think that I'm a spectacular mother (although some of them actually appear Valium induced), maybe they'd stop torturing their kids and let them eat/sleep before they bring them out shopping which no little kid enjoys anyway. And, if the kid is hungry AND tired, you're really in for it ladies. 

The little ones who aren't tired or hungry but are still engaging in a tantrum are still not to blame. Why? Because the mothers are the adults. They are the in charge person. They HAVE the power. But they choose to let little Johnny or Debbie have the power. It's like these mothers are scared of their kids or something. 

Here's the thing- parents have to be students of their children. We are around our darlings all the time and we have the ability to make smart decisions. Knowing that it's close to lunch time and taking your kid out shopping anyway is NOT a smart decision. Dare I just come out and say- it's stupid? Cause it is. 

When we have kids, our agendas go out the window. And we should throw them out willingly. We're the adults. We know better. And, if I see too many more of these self-important mothers out there with kids flailing about, I might not be able to contain my sentiments. 

And you haven't seen a temper tantrum until you see that. 

Did Yours Listen?

Kids, I mean.

As I recall, the lovelies did tend towards selective hearing. A trait I'm pretty sure was passed on from their dad because he's really good at it too.

Anyway, did your kids listen to you? Did they hang onto your every syllable? Did they stand at listening position speedy quick followed by the immediate springing into action to do whatever simple little thing you asked of them?

Riiiiight. Mine didn't either. Unless, of course, your kids DID. In that case then, so did mine! Ha!

It seems that there are a lot of people out there making excuses for the behavior of children. And, armed with said excuses, the adults in the relationships then feel compelled to allow certain behaviors to go...undisciplined. From what I've witnessed, the children of these enablers run a muck in public and purposefully ignore any requests of their parents to stop. Not that that many of these parents are asking their kids to stop anyway.

Excuses include

• they're just kids. (No shit kidding. And they need direction.) 
• they're just expressing themselves. (Really? And you allow that to the point of totally disrespecting others?)
• they're learning. (Learning what? How to be obnoxious and rude? They don't learn if you don't teach.)
• they're still developing. (I'm aware. They still need to know the rules.)
• they don't feel heard. (Give me a break. Nobody is going to listen to yelling and screaming.)
• they're human. (Human monsters without direction.)

Y'all know what I think the problem is? The parents. That's what the problem is.

Yes, I do believe there are reasons behind the behaviors of children. But, with little kids, I'm pretty much of the belief that a lack of guidance and discipline (NOT spanking...discipline is guiding, directing, teaching) is the problem that leads us to having to delve into the reasons for their bad behavior as they age.

Am I an expert? No. I've merely raised four daughters and hold an MS in early childhood development. I have opinions. But I am NOT an expert. I am an observer who is able to put two and two together.

In our house, the lovelies listened most of the time. They had their stubborn moments and there were times when I let it go and times when I didn't. It's not like I was a dictator and expected them to stand at attention just because I walked into a room.

• I wanted them to be respectful but not door mats.
• I wanted them to express themselves but so that people would listen rather than tune them out.
• I wanted them to have their own opinions but to respect the right of others to have their own as well.

I tried to teach them a 'giveandtake' attitude instead of the 'TAKE' attitude I see nowadays. There's a sense of entitlement among the little ones today. And I don't mind telling them that they are simply no more important than anyone else in the world.

Like I always told the lovelies, "Your dad and I love you more than anyone else in the world. We think y'all are 'all that and a bag of chips.' HOWEVER, that is within our walls. Outside of these home walls, no one thinks of you that way. They think that way about THEIR kids."

The lovelies knew not to go out there believing that they were better than everyone else or more important.

I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to hold my tongue when I go out to shop and see these children running around with their false sense of entitlement.

Are you seeing anything like this where you live?

They Did, I Didn't

When I was growing up, I had INFINITE HOURS of unsupervised time. My cousins and I could go anywhere in town and play. We didn't have to tell our parents every single place we were going though they knew where we started.

No one ever bothered us or made us feel unsafe. We went from house to house and yard to yard and store to store---well, just one store really, the drugstore where we could sit at the counter and get cherry cokes which were absolutely delightful!

We played and played and played. Rarely, if ever, would you find us in front of the television during the day light hours.

Some of that was  the same way for the lovelies when they were growing up. Rarely if ever would you find them in front of the television during the day. And they played and played and played. But they were NOT unsupervised.

Times were calling for more caution when the lovelies were coming along.

My parents had no reason to worry about child abductions or various other things that could happen to unsupervised kids. Ours was a small town with relatively little bad stuff going on.

By the time Breezy was in kindergarten, there was a child abductor in our area. His picture was posted on the news and his van was seen in a neighborhood close to ours.

Do y'all know when I first remember hearing about such things as child abductors. About the time Breezy was two years old. I hadn't heard of them or just hadn't paid attention until that time.

Did the lovelies miss out on their childhood because of increased risks of unsupervised play? No. They played a lot of the same games I did when I was growing up. They went just about everywhere they wanted to go. They had friends over ALL THE TIME. They participated in activities. They did it all. It's just that they did it with me along--and, no, I wasn't creepy about it or overprotective. It's not like I hovered.  

Looking back, I think that having me around all the time and involved in everything they did was one thing that made us all so close. It kept me alert and I became an adept learner of each lovely individually.

They may not have the freedom to roam alone as I did--I didn't even let them walk the quarter mile from school to home...though that was mainly because of the teenage drivers in the neighborhood who thought that it was fun to pretend like they were going to hit walkers with their cars...idiots. BUT, they were lacking in play time or participation in any activities AND they got to have their mom right there alongside them cheering them on, giving support and encouragement...

So, while my parents did allow us the freedom to roam independently, I was not able, or willing, to allow it with the lovelies. And I'm pretty sure that their childhood might have been even richer than my own because of it.

Were you more watchful over your kids than your parents were over you?

You Don't Need a Book for That

The daughter of a dear friend is having her very first baby soon and she put a question out on facebook asking whether or not anyone had read a certain parenting book and whether or not they recommended she read it herself.

Many of her friends encouraged her to buy not only one book but several. And pick the one that's right for her lifestyle.

Really?

I don't think so.

First of all, no book is going to be able to tell you how to raise your individual child. They are all different and, just as soon as you think you have him/her/them figured out---they change.

Secondly, those books out there are telling the reader how the author thinks children should be raised. Do parents these days really want someone else making that decision for them?

Third, most of the books are very general but they don't bother explaining that to the readers. Which means that, when their baby doesn't crawl at a certain age, the parents are going to freak out. And, in most cases, unnecessarily so.

So, to the new parents/parents to be out there, I say this:

• Be a student of your child. No one will ever know your child better than you. Use this knowledge and let that dictate how you will raise your child.
• Do NOT compare your child to other children and do not compare each of your children to each other.
• Relax and let your instincts help guide you. Trust yourself.
• When in doubt, ask an experienced parent.Your own parents are excellent resources! 
• There is no set cut off date for each phase a child goes through. They advance through stages and phases at different times even within the same family.
• IF you decide to read one of THOSE books, use it only as a general reference and not a solid truth. 
• As they grow up, learn to pick your battles. Sometimes the consequences of the acts will enough. Don't add insult to injury.
• Laugh. A lot!

Finally, enjoy every single moment that you spend raising those marvelous little miracles. And that includes the trying times. Because, in the mere blink of an eye, they'll be all grown up and out on their own. 

What would y'all say to first time/new/expectant parents? I'd love to put the comments together for them. You know, in a sort of 'book' form. LOL Only this advice would be worthy of reading! Hugs, y'all!