Connecting with Adult Children

To be honest, I was under the impression being in touch with our adult children is the norm until I started reading comments on social media, blog posts, and articles. It seems we may actually be the exception, instead. Which is sad. And curious.

My four daughters and I are quite close. We share similar philosophies and political leanings. We love to laugh and share everything from our daily routines to problems, from good news to bad. We are in touch because we want to be not because we're expected to be. We enjoy each other's company and appreciate any time we have together.

One daughter lives 8 hours away but not a day goes by without us texting and/or a phone call. This is the way it is with empty nesters I know personally, too. Thus, my erroneous thought all of us enjoy a wonderful relationship with our adult kids. Now, I realize I am one of the lucky/blessed ones and I am more grateful than ever before.

Do I agree with all their life decisions made in their adult lives? Nope. Do we all get along all the time? Nope. But when we do have our disagreements we tend to have them and then let them go. We try not to harbor and build resentments. As in our relationships with other people, we have to realize what's right for us isn't always going to be the right thing or right way for our adult children.

We don't really know what goes on in other families because we don't live their lives so I won't make any assumptions as to why so many parents have difficulty connecting with their adult children. I will say if there is a problem that has become so intense or complex you can't find a way around it, seek out a counselor. I do know parents who feel used and a couple who feel alienated by their adult children and counseling is most helpful in these as well as other situations.

Don't think for a second I'm not guilty of failing on some of these suggestions because I am. We're not perfect, we just do the best we can, right? That being said, here are a few ways I think would work to help us stay connected with our adult children.

1. Do not offer unsolicited advice. Or at least keep it to a minimum. I'm not the world's best at this but I'm far from the worst. Parents are pretty good at problem-solving. We've done it for decades and we possess experience wisdom but that does not give us the right to intrude and tell our adult kids what to do and how to do it. Safe your sage advice for the times it is requested and if it is never requested, pat yourself on the back you did a great job raising the kids! Remember, when they do ask for advice don't be critical. 
2. Back off a minute. You raised these kids and most likely you loved every minute of it. But it's THEIR time now so we have to back off and give them the space they need to figure out this whole adulting thing which is not the easiest thing to figure out if you remember. Heck, I'm still working on it. 
3. Do away with expectations or keep them under control and to yourself. If I've said it once I've said it a gazillion times: expectations will leave you with nothing but disappointment. Not to mention when you expect something from another person what you're really wanting is for them to do something the way you would do or the way you want it done. That's not fair. So what if they don't call or text or respond to yours every minute of the day, they have a life to live and they don't answer to us anymore. Of course, if you're feeling taken advantage of because the only time they do come around is when they need something it may be time for a family meeting or some tough love but that's on you to decide. 
4. Remember, you are not the boss. You did your job, put in your time and now you're done. Not with being a parent but with parenting dependent children. 
5. Find a common interest and share it. Does everyone enjoy shopping? Going to the movies? Bowling? Hiking? Football? Whatever the interest, if you find a common one invite them to join you. If they come, great! If not, go anyway and have a good time but don't stop inviting them because one day they will show up. 
6. Show a genuine interest. Sometimes we parents can come off seeming nosy instead of interested. Check the way you ask-- are you engaging in conversation or poking around where you aren't wanted or needed? Even if your intentions are innocent if your adult kid thinks otherwise, just be careful until they realize and/or appreciate you're genuinely interested.
7. No guilt trips. Honestly, if my mother ever put a guilt trip on me I would have had a conniption fit. People can carry their own guilt without having it put on them. Now is the time for us to recognize and respect the differences between us. 
8. Be a good listener. Sometimes we just need someone to listen and who better than our parents? Unless they jump in to tell us how to solve the problem which isn't what we wanted. Chances are your adult kids are perfectly capable of solving their problems but may need a supportive ear for a minute. Just give the ear and keep the solution to the problem to yourself unless they ask for it. Remember, we always want to be the ones they turn to not the ones they turn away from. 
9. Snail mail. Use it. Send a 'thinking-of-you' card every once in a while. You can put a little $$ in there, a newspaper clipping you saw they can relate to, a gift card, or just a little note and an 'I love you.' I started using the app, TouchNote and everyone loves it! I mostly use it to send pictures of my grands to my Dad and stepmom and my aunt but I do use it for my girls as well. It's so easy and a great way to send a postcard or greeting card. 
10. Accept whatever form of communication they are willing to use. Text, email, video chats, phone calls, whatever. I'd rather have any form of communication than none at all. 
11. Ask if they'd be willing to have a weekly phone call or video chat with you. And PROMISE not to keep them on there for 2 hours. We have people like that in our family and it drives me nuts. A 15-20 minute conversation is good enough and if it goes longer and all parties are ok with that then great! Don't forget about conference calling if you have multiple kiddos because having them all on the phone at the same time is super fun! 
12. Weekly or monthly meals. If your adult kids live close enough start a weekly or monthly meal at your house. Just let them know when it is but do not badger them to come. If they do, great if they don't just freeze the leftovers. 
13. Pray for them. If you are the praying sort, do it. I can't tell you how very aware I am my grandmother prayed for me until the day she passed. My mother has passed but my dad and stepmother continue praying for all of us daily. It makes a difference. 

That's all I've got right now but I'm sure Y'all have some more and I'd love to hear them!

Also, please visit my friend Mary who has a wonderful post about the difficulty of parenting adult children. Y'all can read her post HERE. 


Thanks, Y'all! Have a wonderful day!

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Cracking Under the Pressure

When I think about the moms who have such a terrible time when they finally have to face an empty nest I wonder if it's because these sweet souls have made their children the center of their universe. Can you imagine the pressure of being the center of one's universe?

If there's one place in the world I cannot stand to be it's in the middle. Of anything. Ever. The person in the middle does not have the easiest task because they are thrust into situations by other people for some ridiculous reason or another. I've had people be so clever about this that I didn't realize I was in the middle until I was in the middle. I've learned over the years to avoid the middle at all costs and to be brutally honest and tell everyone involved that I am not going to be in the middle any longer if it sneaks up on me. I just do not like being in the middle.

When we make someone the center of our universe we put them in the middle whether they like it or not. Suddenly, without their permission or knowledge, they are thrust into life with the responsibility of making our world spin or make sense. That's a huge responsibility for a kid. It's huge for anyone.

People who make their children the center of their universe do not realize the pressure they put on their kids. When the kids grow up and move on, they tend to shut out those parents because they simply have to get away from all that pressure.

I'm not saying we don't all miss our kids when they grow up and move out of the nest. We do. But there is a line between loving our kids and having strong relationships with them and codependency. I love my girls. I think they're the greatest daughters who have ever walked the face of the earth. When they left the nest I did have an adjustment period. I had all that time to fill and it took me some time to figure out how to fill it. But that was fun! I knew the girls were out living their own grown-up lives and I knew I had done my best to prepare them to do so.  Adjustment period? Sure. Missed them? Of course! But Y'all, I was so tired I think I was grateful to have a minute to myself. Raising four daughters is the best thing I've ever had the privilege to do. I loved every second and I was one of those moms who was involved in every aspect of their lives teaching them life skills through it all. But not so they could spin my world, so they could grow up and be able to spin their own worlds.

It is almost as if some people carry the thought, "I did all of this for you and you should do all these things for me because of it." Aren't we supposed to do for and give to others because we want to, out of the goodness of our hearts without expectation of return? If we do and give with the expectation of return, that's not really giving. I think that's called manipulation. It rarely works and when it does will almost certainly lead to rebellion when the person cracks under the pressure. They will distance themselves to save themselves.

I don't know anyone who likes being made to be the center of someone's universe. I've been in that position myself and I know it's not a good place. There is, quite often, a rebellion that takes place which can be nearly impossible to reverse. Resentment steps in and relationships are severed. Is it really worth it to make another person the center of our universe? IMO, no.

I know I seem to write about these poor moms but they are so sad, so devastatingly sad. I've never seen such sadness before and they are not being the least bit rational about it. I am still truly concerned and hope they come to some sort of realization combined with getting some professional help.

Taking care of ourselves is never a bad idea. Remembering we can be wonderful, loving, nurturing parents without making our kiddos the center of our universe is important. Knowing how to be focused on our children without becoming attached to them in an unhealthy, restrictive way is also important for everyone involved in the relationship. Our goal is to raise our children to become healthy, independent, well adjusted adults, right?

Have you ever been the center of someone's universe? Do you know someone who is or who does this? Please share your thoughts!

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Why I Dislike the Sharing Years

When you become an empty nester and your grown up kiddos have significant others you are quite quickly introduced to what I call, the sharing years. The sharing years mean that you'll be sharing all BIG and IMPORTANT holidays with that 'other family'.

We have to share with two of those 'other families' this year and, even though I absolutely LOVE those other people, I do not love sharing my girls during the holidays. Most of you know that I have four daughters who are DA BOMB x 4 and yes, I know we don't say, 'da bomb' anymore but I'm making a point here- even when there is only one MIA during a holiday celebration, that's the one I think about and miss terribly.

No, I do not get angry about this. I'm not that kind of mom. I don't send them on a guilt trip (I can't believe you are choosing them over me. You must not love me anymore. PUL-EASSE). I'm not that kind of mom. I also do not manipulate them to get them to change their plans (But great-grandpa isn't doing well, this could be his last Christmas...right. It could be anyone's last Christmas, people. Just sayin'). I am NOT that kind of mom. I'm way more honest than that. If I don't like something, I tell them. Plus, who wants people to be home for the holidays because they've been guilted into it or manipulated into it or because someone would be mad if they weren't home? I don't. I want everyone to WANT to be home.

Not that we haven't joked about the sharing years. We do it all the time.
ME: Since you won't be here, I guess Santa won't need to fill a stocking for you.
The lovelies: MOM!!!

And I'm pretty sure I was kidding when I told Birdie that she couldn't take any of the cute Christmas outfits I bought for Baby M to 'THAT PLACE." (Smirk)

But those are nothing but jokes because of course, they get stockings regardless and Birdie can certainly take those cute clothes with them. My girls and I have always been close and we continue to be that way so, when they aren't here, they're calling and/or texting me (though NOT in front of their host families.) I appreciate that more than y'all know. But it's still difficult when one or more of them are not with us on a holiday.

It's not that easy for the girls either. The year my oldest spent Christmas with the other people, she was having a hard time so her sisters sent her a picture of them in their Christmas pajamas (they still get Christmas pajamas to this day) but instead of making her feel better, she cried and vowed never to spend Christmas away from us again. And she hasn't. That one doesn't do change. (Please note that she did not cry in front of the in-laws and they were quite gracious to her knowing that it was the first Christmas away from her family.) Then there's the year that SILExtraordinaire and Birdie weren't yet married (but he was considered part of the family) so he went to Indiana with his parents and we had a cardboard cutout of him that we included in all the pictures (which is something we might need to consider having for each of the MIA members during the sharing years.)

So, how do I deal with the disappointment of the sharing years? I remind myself that:

• I am blessed by my daughters whether they are present or not
• the mom of the significant other loves her adult kid, too
• it doesn't matter what day we celebrate the holidays, as long as we do
• nothing can break the bond I have with each of my girls
• the sharing years are a fact of life and I have to deal

This year, I am reminding myself that when we gather two days after Christmas, I get all 4 of the girls together for a full week instead of 2 days! So, I'm winning this sharing thing! Not that it's a competition...

What can I say? I'm not perfect. I admit that I don't love the sharing years. I also admit that I love having them all here longer than the other people get them. But I won't be lording it over anyone. Y'all can't see that smug look on my face, can you? 

Ideally, I'd love for everyone to live close enough to gather together- our family, the other families, extended family- EVERYONE. Do y'all think Santa would work this out for me if I put it on my list? 

I know there are some empty nesters out there who are having a terribly difficult time with the sharing years and I wanted to address the issue in a post to help out a bit. The thing is, it's ok that you don't like the sharing years but you must remember it's not a personal attack, it's the only fair way to work it out. So, take a deep breath, find the humor, appreciate the times you do have together, and enjoy the ones who are with you during the holiday season. 

If you are alone on a sharing year, try hosting a friend gathering or volunteer at a homeless shelter or orphanage or hold the at-risk newborns at the hospital. You could make treats and deliver them to people who have to work on Christmas Day such as nurses or police officers... 

You might not have everyone home but you can appreciate those who are and connect digitally with those who aren't. There is no reason to spend the holidays alone with all the need in the world, there's a place for you to turn that sadness into a comforting smile for someone else. 

How do y'all deal with the sharing years?